So I feel that I am taking on probably the biggest challenge of my professional life, and that experience has brought with it the opportunity to replace sleep with a racing mind.  I have to say that it is about time that I have a challenge like this.  It certainly seems that I am old enough to finally take on something.  With all this, though, comes quite a few thoughts spanning quite a variety of aspects of my life.

I think I remember reading a headline from somewhere about how many people often come to a point when they really feel like a phony.  I know if we had all just listened to Holden, than we probably could have realized this a lot sooner, but I think this idea relates specifically to the work we spend our time doing and the work that seems to provide us with the money to eat and live someplace and raise our children and buy stuff.  This phoniness is just a matter of realizing what we do that has somehow been determined to have values has a certain arbitrariness to it as well as probably some political elements to it.  If we enjoy any degree of success in anybody's eyes it probably has to do with how well we are playing along.

So in this particular instance for me, many different facets of my life seem to be converging and this convergence is really where the challenge lies.

I'm really appreciating the word "facet" at this point.  I'm really not sure of the etymology of this word, but I think its inclusion of the word "face" is entirely appropriate as it applies to my current situation.  I am not even sure I have the precise words to describe what each of these particular facets are, but I think there is a list somewhere in my head or in the world that is probably worth contemplating.  Ok, so now I try to identify these facets.  

One of the first one that comes to mind is my relationship with language and the nature of language. Obviously, this is a big one, and I'm not sure if I think about this idea more than other people or not. The only reason I mention this is because one of the things that has for a long time fascinated me about language is the fact that almost every human being has and uses language, and it is pretty essential to successfully function in the world. It is pretty important in order to take care of so many of our basic needs as social beings in a social world.  But, even though we all seem to have enough language in order to live and survive, there seems to be a hierarchy of sorts which organizes people into one end of the spectrum of those who seem to use language enough to get by and live and basically be happy at the other end of the spectrum those who seem to have achieved some of the highest social status due to his or her ability to use language in some way that is seen as superior to others.  So, language is this thing that we all have some access to--it is a completely egalitarian, democratic tool, I suppose.  Yet, there are certainly people who have been able to use this tool better than others in order wield power and get what they want. I am not even sure how to characterize this quality or these qualities of language I am talking about, but whatever it/they are, I find them fascinating.  So fascinating, in fact, I consider my thoughts about them to occupy a good part of my time.

In my particular case, I consider my relationship with language to have several different strains. I'm not sure how precisely I am able to articulate what these different strains are or if the word "strain" is the best word to use.  Like many people, I struggle to use language in as useful a way as possible.  Perhaps I think more about my use of my own language and how I could use it better in order to achieve what I want.  I assume everyone struggles a bit with their own use of language.  I am sure though, the degree people agonize over their own use of language varies greatly from person to person.  So, I suppose this first strain of my relationship to language has to do with just being able to say or write what I want in order to accomplish what I want to accomplish.  I suppose many people might just go about their lives not giving this much thought and these people are at relative peace knowing they can basically say or write things and get most of their needs met without worrying about it too much.  Not that I necessarily worry about it, but I do spend a certain amount of energy trying to figure out how I could do it better.

I think another strain of this relationship with language has to do with my pretty consistent fascination with how speakers of my native language, English, use it in order to get what they need.  I really love watching language happen.  I think I have a particular interest in how people use spoken language in their everyday interactions.  This everyday use of language, which really is un-self-conscious and fluid and just out there is really at the heart of my interest in language.  As I said earlier, language is the thing that all normally functioning humans have access to, but we also seem to accept the fact that some people are deemed more skilled language users than others.  I certainly appreciate many of these "higher level" users of language, but my real interest is just in how people talk every day.

Another aspect of my relationship with language is my fascination with how really difficult it can be to put thought into language in such a way that this thought can be shared in a deep and meaningful way.  Language seems to be necessarily simultaneously literal and figurative.  There is a lot to be said about this thought/language/communcation/understanding/social construction cycle, but for now I can only say that it is pretty amazing that we are able to accomplish anything at all using language.

This discussion of language has be straying a bit from how I began this particular bit of writing.  I sat down to write about my current professional challenge, which is obviously a personal challenge, and I wanted to describe how the convergence of these various aspects of my life may actually be the main challenge, but I am getting hung up a bit on language.  I think I will stay there for a while, but I think I should turn to something more directly related to this professional challenge.

I teach English to people who use English as a second language.  On pretty much a daily basis for the past twenty-plus years, I have been either dealing directly with people learning English or thinking quite a bit about how people learn English or any other second language.  Trying to figure out how people, especially adults, actually develop some degree of proficiency in a second language has proven to be an endless pursuit.  In fact, I think the task of trying to understand or refine any use of language can easily take a lifetime, but for me, understanding the second language acquisition process has been and probably will continue to be the thing that keeps me busy.

Perhaps my longish relationship with trying to understand how people learn English is at the heart of my feelings of phoniness.  Seems likely.  I mean I suppose I am an expert of sorts, but one of the ironies that comes with being an expert is the constant reminders about how much you actually don't know.  In my case, I just think I need to read more about the acquisition process and learn more about it.  Of course, that will just lead to more knowledge about what I actually don't know about it.

This professional challenge I am facing has to do with setting up an English as a second language program for potential undergraduate and graduate university students.  These folks need to learn the language in order to succeed in school.  That success will hopefully afford them some opportunities to have an interesting life doing meaningful work that allows them to pay the bills and hopefully be happyish.

I think I should know how to do this, but it is turning out to be more difficult than I imagined. And, the fact is that I have been imagining doing something like this for a long time.  But, I think when we are imagining something, we are actually in a very luxurious position.  Besides the fact that we can, well, just imagine whatever we really want to, we are also not faced with real questions from real people who expect real answers.  We can easily choose not to imagine those complications.

It is rather amusing to be referred to as the expert, especially when you are not really sure what you are doing.  It seems that my expertise manifests most often in my little brain when I realize how different other people's perspectives are from my own, and I consider my own perspective to be correct.